There are moments

when its easy to forget that we aren’t a typical family. 

In between playdates, daycare pick up, sports camp, baths and bed time there is this space that’s so easy to forget that they aren’t mine, especially after all this time.

But then I pop into Ol.d N.avy on my lunch break to grab some killer deals on clearance kids clothes.  And I chat casually with the mom next to me doing the same.  I look just like her and all the other moms in the store.  Then she says it… “Isn’t it great to be able to stock up on clothes for next summer?”.  The innocent comment catches me in the gut. 

No.  I don’t know if its great to be able to do that.  I never buy more than a couple months ahead, not really knowing if I’ll have them more than that. 

I’ve been found out.  An outsider.

I hide my tears in the dressing room and call a friend.

“What’s it like to not worry about losing your kids?  Tell me what its like to buy clothes for next summer?”

Sometimes its easy to forget.  But then there are always these moments.

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10 Responses to “There are moments”

  1. I realize that this isn’t your point, but I will go into ON and stock up on clearance clothes even when I don’t have a kid in the house. ON clearance is GREAT!

  2. Heartbreaking just to read it. Can’t imagine living it. Hope you don’t have anything to forget in the near future and it all becomes (legal) reality.

  3. This hurts because I’ve known it for so long. And honestly, I still can’t let my guard down, even though we’re on the road to adoption because we’re simply on the road and there’s always room for things to change. It’s hard to forget that.

    I pray for permanancy for you and your babies. Keep on Mama.

  4. i can’t imagine. You and A are amazing people.

  5. Big hug, they will always be one of your kids – no matter how long they are with you. Age 5 or 18.

  6. You will know someday, and you will cherish it more than those other moms ever could. I can only imagine the depth of your pain at having to think about these issues. It is so unfair to everyone.

  7. I’ve been struggling with what to write to you… because this is part of THE FEAR we don’t even yet know how to face. I’ve had a few head spinning days before the kids are even here trying to figure out what to buy.

    I’ll just share the (empty?) words our wonderful FP trainer shared last night after class. “The gift of being a foster parent is it forces you to live in the moment. We are not guarunteed anything. We are not promised to walk the kids down the aisle, or see them graduate. But, we have them today and we have to cherish them.”

    You two are cherishing them. And, as Carrie said, perhaps more than others.

  8. I have had those days and they were so painful. They come without warning and just slam into you. I remember wondering if I should buy LMC a Halloween costume, truly not sure if she would be with us in just a few short weeks. It’s so scary and such an ugly reality check.

    I’m so sorry you had that moment. I hope your friend was of some comfort. I am always here if you need another ear. I know I am on the other side of things now, but it wasn’t that long ago that I was in the trenches. You never forget.

    I am always thinking of your family and hoping the permanency you all deserve is just around the corner.

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