Archive for November, 2010

November 27, 2010

Okay, I’ve got 30 seconds…

The big kids are at the park w/ A and Daisy (thanks Mandy, that’s my favorite flower – how fitting!) is cozied up in my lap.  I’ll try for some answers, though we are sorely lacking any ourselves, especially since it was a holiday placement.

1) She’s not premature.  Crazy, right? Someone lied/misunderstood/miscommunicated/down right didn’t know.  Born full term and the picture of health.

2) I got the kids up early yesterday for our holiday card mailing.  We stopped at S.tarbu.cks because I’m addicted to those red cups and I got the call. Well, actually I got the voicemail since I didn’t recognize the number.  I called back 3 wrong numbers before I got the right one because my hands were shaking so much.  What?? Baby born?? Getting dropped off straight from the hospital??

3) Hung up the phone and told A. She panicked. But agreed that we couldn’t say no.  What about daycare?? We’ll figure it out.

4) Made lots of calls and went about our day as usual.  Of to the children’s museum, stop on the way for formula and newborn diapers, then to a playdate, Mommy E has to leave early so we can get our house inspected and relicensed on the fly for 3 kids (we were previously licensed for 2).

5) Baby arrives about 6 hours from initial call. She’s so cute and so very small.  I’m home alone while the kids are at a friend’s house which works out nicely to get her situated sans chaos.  I can’t believe they just keep dropping babies at my doorstep.

6) Sprout loves her. Touches her so gently and kisses her softly.  Never lets her out of his sight when he’s home. But he still asks in his melancholy too-wise-for-his-years way, “Why does mommy keep having all these babies?” Rosebud is having a tougher transition.

7) No clue was the future holds.  She may be with us for the weekend or forever.  No idea what this means for RU of the other children, though I imagine mom will still get the same opportunity and timeline.  I PRAY that this doesn’t extend things even longer for Sprout and Rosebud.  But I don’t know and might not for some time.  Whatever comes, we will handle.

November 26, 2010


3 days old.  Sibling to Sprout and Rosebud.  Horrible picture, beautiful baby girl. Shocked. In love.

November 23, 2010

When the going gets tough…

the tough get remodelling and redecorating.

1) Sprout’s big boy room.

Before (office/junk room):


Okay, so we actually started that before our world came crashing in on us last week, but the nervous energy was helpful to get it all pulled together and mostly finished.  We’re still working on valances, an area rug, and I want to change the pulls on the dresser to something fitting with the theme.

ps – I didn’t have to tidy his room for this picture.  This is exactly as he left it this morning and every morning.  Note to self: mention Sprout’s cleanliness compulsion to therapist…

2) Basement

Unfortunately I don’t have before pictures on this one.  I was too anxious to just get started already (I’ve had this project in my mind since we bought the house), but this is the basement as it stands at the moment.  Well, half of it…we are leaving the other half unfinished for storage.

This space will be a playroom so I can get the darn toys out of my living room already.

And through those sliding doors will be my office area.

A few more coats of mud, a drop ceiling, paint, trim and carpet and hopefully I’ll have the after pics to share with you shortly.

Up next: Rosebud’s nursery (since she’s just recently moved out of our room).

And did I mention that we are also hosting 20 for Thanksgiving?  I’ve got a big fat bird brining away.

I’d say our coping strategy is something akin to “an object in motion stays in motion”…

November 22, 2010

The cycle that had to work didn’t.  BFN. Of course.  We are rapidly spiralling towards being childless mothers.

November 21, 2010

Pile it On

1) Due to circumstances outside of my control, my mom found out that the kids are being RUed.  We didn’t plan to tell her until much closer to the time, since we all know that anything can happen, but she found out and now she’s devastated.   All along we reminded her, and everyone else, that their goal was to be reunited, they weren’t ours forever, but of course she fell in love…as did so many others in our lives.  And now I feel awful and overwhelmingly guilty for the pain they are all about to experience.  We signed up for this heartbreak and crazy life, but they didn’t.  How do I possibly reconcile that? 

2) Sprout has similarly gotten wind of the changes abreast.  He doesn’t know the details, but he intuitively knows something is up and can guess what it involves.  He’s vacillating between sobbing and begging to stay with us in one breath then being disrespectful, not listening, talking back and generally pushing us away in the next.   We are scraping the bottom of the barrel, desperately collecting the energy needed to guide him through this time.

3) A lost her wedding band.  We’ve searched everywhere, including the garbage, and cleaned the house top to bottom.  Its gone.

This is the point where I look around for the camera.  We must be getting punk’d.  That must be it.

November 19, 2010


A few extra details…

  • Within the first 5 second of me entering the room (in a running late, bad traffic, no parking, wild rush), they announce bio mom is pregnant with baby number 6.  Hello. 
  • Due just a few weeks after she’s supposed to be reunited with the kids.  Zero to 3 with 2 under 2.  Not exactly a “setting her up for success” kind of situation.  I will be praying for her.  Honestly.
  • I was anxious about meeting bio mom.  But she didn’t show.  Neither did the kids’ attorney.  Seriously?!
  • That phone call on Wednesday was entirely out of the blue.  I made sure everyone in the room knew how very displeased I was with that fact.  And then I got more info on the case in 30 minutes than I’ve gotten in 11 months.  I (of course) still don’t know everything, but I know as much as I need to know.
  • A member of the state’s foster parent advocacy group went with us.  She left feeling as though she didn’t do much, but she did so much.  I’m at peace, at least momentarily, with the level of information/respect/rights we as foster parents are currently receiving.  She is steering us in the right direction and its so very good to be under someone’s wing after dangling for so long.
  • My poor wife.  Usually the strong,  stoic type.  I don’t think she’s stopped crying since Wednesday.  She cried at work, at dinner, at bed time, at the meeting.  The tears just seem to flow and she’s helpless to stop them.  I’ve got to keep my eye on her. 
  • How super awesome is it that we get to go through all of this on top of our IVF 2ww?? If I was ever going to have a mental breakdown, this would be the perfect formula for it.  Thank goodness I drink a lot.   (JOKING people. See, I can still laugh.  or at least chuckle).
November 19, 2010

And so it happens

Today, on the eve of National Adoption Day, I sat in a small room and had one of the most emotional conversations of my life.  I couldn’t help but think of all the people strengthening and growing their families on this special day while I discussed disassembling the one I’ve spent the past year building.  The reunification ball has been set in motion. 

Now is when my test truly begins.  I knew how to welcome them.  How to embrace and attach to them.  I knew how to parent them (mostly) and how to love them. 

Now I need to learn how to let them go. 

How to live the next few months of my life with a pit in my stomach and a lump in my throat with tears that fall with the slightest breeze.   How to miss a child that is in my arms.  How to fill them to the brim with love so that no matter the days, months, years that distance us, they will always know they are so very lovable.  How to celebrate the same thing that is breaking my heart.  How to have faith in a system that I generally have very little faith in.   How to have faith in a God that I’m rather angry with right now. 

Today I don’t know how to do any of those things, but I will figure it out. 

Because I am a foster parent.

This is what I do.  This is who I am.

November 17, 2010

Tough Call

Just got a phone call from the kids’ social worker.  In preparation for an upcoming case meeting, he wanted to give us the heads up that they are in the initial stages of moving towards reunification.  Nothing’s definite.  He’s not sure it will be successful.  No specific plans in place as to what “moving towards RU” will entail. 

It doesn’t really change anything. 

But it feels like it changes everything.

November 11, 2010

Transfer complete and A is now in bed awaiting the acupunturist (hmm, that sounds wrong…) where she will remain until Sunday (just A, not the acupuncturist).

Our clinic grades embryos on a scale from 1-5 with 1 being the best and 5 the worst.  Today we transferred a 7 cell grade 4 and a 9 cell grade 5.  All the rest were discarded.  As we knew, there were none remaining to freeze.  Beta is on 11/22.

November 10, 2010

Picture This

Peek-a-boo, formerly Rosebud’s favorite game, is slowly being replaced by chase me and catch me.  After a bath, I sat on the bathroom floor trying to dry off a wet and wiggly Rosebud.  In a flash she broke free and I found myself chasing a little bare bum down the hallway.  She let me catch her (as she always does) and an explosion of giggles ensued.  Contagious giggles – so I laughed at her as she laughed at me.  We sat holding on to each other in a happy pile of belly laughs until my sides ached.

I better make sure I close the bathroom door next time so I don’t have any escapees.

On second thought, it’s better open.