Written in tears

I believe in rehabilitation.  I believe that people can change and should always be given the opportunity to do so.  I believe in my role as a foster parent and the goal of reunification.  But tonight, oh Lord tonight, all my beliefs have been tested.

It began when we found out they were having a later than normal visit. Not a good idea, I thought…

Then it continued as I paced anxiously waiting for them to come back home more than an hour past when I expected them…

And then it all came to a head when they were dropped off.  Two hysterical sobbing masses left at my doorstep. 

Rosebud was soothed with a change, a warm bottle, and a couple of sweet lullabies.  But when you are 4 it’s not that easy – you remember too much. You understand too much.  So I collapsed with him on the kitchen floor. I clenched my eyes and rocked that sweet boy as he cried his heart out.  He cried a darker pain than I’ve ever known despite having 7x the years he does.  I whispered to him because I knew that if I were any louder, he’d crumble right there in my arms.  A while later I carried him to his bed and made up stories of spaceships and water slides to breathe into his ear.  An attempt to transport him far, far away. Even just now when I left him, he still trembled as he drifted into sleep.

Please help me remember what part of this is right.

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5 Comments to “Written in tears”

  1. I have never been in your shoes and I can’t imagine the thoughts that go through your head when you watch a little person you care about hurt so much, but I do know that having you to come home to softened his landing tonight. Maybe you can take some comfort in that sliver of light?

    I also know it can’t possibly feel right all the time. Even with all of the beliefs you listed, there are going to be days and nights where you are sure you are marching 180 degrees away from where you should be. I guess all you can do is hope that the long-term trajectory will show that your faith in the process was not misplaced. I’ll be hoping right along with you. *hugs*

  2. It’s not fair. It’s not right. It doesn’t make sense. There’s never the right answer, never a quick fix. You did exactly what needed to be done. It’s going to be a long and painful road. But there is hope.

    I’m glad you are there. Loving him. I’m praying for him. And for you.

  3. All I ever read when foster children have visits with their parents is the pain they (and the family fostering them) are left with. Horrible. Sending you strength and support.

  4. They are lucky to have you.

  5. You did exactly the right thing.

    My adopted daughter was going through the same thing at the same age. We had supervised visits with her mother at the Norwich DCF office and half the time her bio-mom wouldn’t show. Whether she did or not, my daughter was a tearful mess for the rest of the day.

    She just turned 16 and she’s happy and has healthy attachments and loves with her whole heart. I hope that gives you a little comfort, because I know how hard it is to be where you are and feel so helpless and worried.

    As Olive said, they are very lucky to have you.

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