Archive for February 10th, 2012

February 10, 2012

Rumor Has It…

That a certain someone might be pregnant again.

I know, right?

Crazy, head-spinny, overwhelming, my worst nightmare, sad, sad, sad.

Well, that was my initial reaction anyway.  I’ve had a few nights to sleep on it and its brought me slightly more peace and slightly more perspective.  Slightly.

Now I’m mostly just feeling sad – sad that there is a good chance we will be put in a terribly hard position.  One with no good solutions.

So to answer some questions:

  • I don’t know how far along she is.  I don’t even know for sure that she’s pregnant.  But I’ve got this gut feeling that she probably is…
  • Since TPR has already been granted and the adoption paperwork filed, it will not impact the kids’ case.
  • If the baby is born drug exposed, we will get the call.

And of course, the biggest question of all: What will we say?

It breaks my heart, but we will probably say no.

It’s no secret that A is maxed.  Without some major life changes (like winning the lottery and hiring a live-in nanny…or taking in a sister wife…), she does not feel she can handle 4 young children with 3 under 3.   And that is valid.  There are days when I’m maxed too.

And then there are the children.  I can’t even imagine how emotionally draining it would be for them Sprout to re-open all the craziness of foster care, visits, uncertainty, ect when we had just barely closed it.  I believe we will foster again, but now? and his sibling? It’s too soon. too close.  Not to mention the pain and confusion of watching his sibling go on visits with his mom when he may or may not be continuing his own relationship with her.  And what if the baby is reunified?  He can handle hard things – but that could be too much.

And then there is everything else.  The fact that we’d need a bigger house. And have no time off for “maternity leave” after using all our vacation for Daisy.  Also, we are tired.  I haven’t slept through the night in 2 years – I was kind of looking forward to it.  3 straight years of infancy?  ugh.  And forget ever getting a night out again.  There is a very short list of people willing to handle our crew now, with another baby? forget it.  Our family might actually disown us.  Or have us committed.   To be honest, we were so looking forward to putting babyhood behind us for a while.  To travelling and exploring and going on adventures that are so much more doable without a baby.  We were also looking forward to actually fostering – that is what we got into this all for, ya know?  I could go on and on.

But then there is the guilt.  It is so gripping.  I look at my Daisy.  My angel, my miracle, an amazing addition to our family, and I think “what if?”.  What if we didn’t say yes to her?  I don’t know how I will live with myself if I say no.

So here is what I pray:

I pray that this is the one she keeps.  That she continues in rehab and finds the strength and support to be the parent I know she can be.  I pray that she lets us help.  Somehow, some way, there could be something beautiful here.