No Pressure…

The day of the “final” visit is fast approaching and I’m kinda freaking out.  There are just so many different ways this could go. 

I’m on draft #2987234587 of the letter I want to give to mom. I need it to say everything that I want to say to her since I’ll have to pass it to her through Sprout.  Then there are all the little questions like handwritten or typed? (to answer this question you should  know that I have terrible handwriting)  Send a gift or is that too “final visit”-y?  And what in the world would I send?  I’d also love to send Sprout with a camera since I have no pictures of mom with the kids, but could that come off wrong?

Oy. It’s just not easy navigating such an important relationship with a woman I hardly know.

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10 Comments to “No Pressure…”

  1. what a hard position to be in. good luck.

  2. Whatever you will be right….sending you strength and smiles.

  3. if the department has no problem with it (the photos), show sprout how to use a disposable and let him do whatever he wants with it. It doesn’t have to be a “mom please make sure there are some pictures” but you could end up getting some fun cookey kid stuff, and some posed shots facilitated by mom. Since the visit is supervised, there will be someone to take the photo if bio mom takes the initiative to arrange it. It may be fun to have sprout take some pictures elsewhere that day or the day before, with the same camera, and he can tell bio mom all about that.

    I am no help in terms of gifts- perhaps others who have filled the big shoes you now wear have advice. You don’t want it necessarily come off as a “thank you” gift, because it could totally rub her the wrong way. If this is going to be an open adoption and there will be cards/photos exchanged as they grow, could you start a tradition with some sort of an item now and in the letter you are writing tell her that more “xyz” will come when she least expects it” or something to that effect? I don’t know how the post TPR stuff works yet, unfortunately.

  4. We sent a camera at one of the first visits–so it doesn’t feel too final to me. If you are leaving the lines of communication open, you could offer to mail copies of the pictures, lessening the finality.

    A photo album for a gift? Some handprint thing made by the kids?

    I’m sure whatever you decide will be perfect. And we’re all curious what that is 😉

  5. Hmmmm… A partially filled photo album with room for the photos you’ll continue to send as the kids grow?

    Oh, my gosh. Big shoes indeed; I wouldn’t know where to begin. You are SUCH strong women.

    ❤ to you all.

  6. Have you gotten indication from mom that she might be open to future openness?

    I like T’s idea of the partially filled album, if that’s a realistic future. Something like a nice journal might be appropriate and feel less final than some of the other photos and mementos. Or do you know anything about her interests?

    I also say send the camera – the worst she can do it not take them, and I think you’ll always regret not asking if you don’t.

  7. I’m sure the visit will be supervised, right? If you know the worker who will be there, you could ask them to take pictures. And the fact is this is the official, FINAL visit, it’s going to be hard. BUT, it’s OK to just be honest. Let mom know what you hope for. She sounds ‘with it’ enough to ‘get it’. And she should be commended for it.

    You’ve got good perspective. You’ll be in my prayers. I was in your shoes almost exactly one year ago. It is a mix of emotions.

    Also, the partially filled album is a good idea.

  8. I was thinking about you last night, and thought, yes, this is a “final official visit” and everyone knows it. It’s okay to have the gift have some finality or closure to it. (That doesn’t mean she is closed from their lives) but it’s ok to acknowledge this last visit.

  9. Wow, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself about this. And it does sound like this visit is a big deal, and something worth putting some thought into. But the work you have done already in terms of trying to build a relationship with mom means that she already know some important things about who you are and what your intentions are. I’m sure you will come up with something that will work just fine–but it doesn’t have to be perfect.

  10. Wow, I wish I knew the perfect answer for this situation but I’m afriad there is no manual for any of this, is there?

    I’m sure whatever you decide to do, it will be the right thing.

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