Heartbreaking

As you know, we recently observed Yom Kippur which is a Jewish holiday that asks us to repent for the sins of the previous year and ask for atonement, or forgiveness, for those sins.  We explained this process to Sprout, in a much watered down and kid-friendly way, and I could tell he got it this year and was thinking it over.  Apologize for poor choices, be forgiven, and move on with a clean slate – hmm, that seemed like something he could get behind.

Later in the day he told me he had been thinking about the “forgive stuff”.  He said, “When I was four years old and three years old, I was a bad boy.  That’s why other people didn’t want me.  But you did and now I’m a good boy.”

It knocked the wind right out of me. 

A knowledge and understanding I never knew he had.  This burden he must bear.  Oh no Sprout.  My sweetest boy.  No, no, no, no, no.

Of course I put that notion right to bed.  I scooped him up and told him he could never ever be a bad boy – there is no such thing.  There are only poor choices and regardless of those, he is wonderful – has been wonderful – every day of his life.  He is sunshine and always has been.  His time was short with other caretakers simply because he had a different place to be. 

But did he believe me?

Were my words enough to heal the hurt and convince him that it is true?

What other painful thoughts are living in that head of his? 

 I guess only time will tell.

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11 Responses to “Heartbreaking”

  1. Oh, goodness. That made me cry. *hugs to him and you.*

  2. Wow. You have no idea what other thoughts are in that sweet head of his. But, I have no doubt that he will share them when he is ready and you will respond with amazing love.

  3. Awww…that made me cry too. I hope the way you responded helps Sprout find peace.

  4. Oh my, such sadness.

    You are very right, he did have somewhere else to be: With you and your wife.
    He is very bright young man, he’ll know that is true deep in his heart soon enough.

  5. Heartbreaking, indeed! So glad that you were the one there to respond to him, instead someone who might have reinforced those thoughts (even accidentally). ((Hugs)) to you both.

  6. I swear everything you write lately makes me cry. What a sad thing for him to believe. I hope that your reassurances can give him the confidence he deserves to move on from those painful experiences.

  7. Poor Sprout. What a burden he has been carrying all this time. Thank heavens you all found your way to one another.

  8. That poor sweet baby boy. He is so lucky to have you to hold him and reassure him that he is always good.

  9. Even if the lies in his head tell him he was bad, the truth remains that he is wanted and loved and that has made a world of change. I believe it will continue to do so and someday (prayerfully soon) he’ll know that he’s god and he deserves every ounce of love he gets!
    Amen.

  10. *good

    Hopefully it won’t all go that far 😉

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