Archive for May 12th, 2011

May 12, 2011

The Other Side

Thank you for the outpouring of love and support! It is, in many respects, an exciting time for us.  Stability, hope, permanency, future – its incredible.  Though my mind hasn’t fully accepted it yet, I can still tell how incredible it is. 

But it’s not all joy and light and hope and excitement.  Sadly, the upcoming months will be filled with heartbreak and struggle.  The cracks are already beginning to show. 

Sprout, for the first time in his life, is fighting going to visits.  There have been tears and talking back and “I’m not going!”.  His daycare teachers report that he lost it yesterday when his social worker showed up for pick up.  I would have known it even if they didn’t tell me…his SW arrived at our house last night looking war-torn.  From the looks of it, he pulled out his big guns.  The poor thing just shook her head and said, “I’ve never seen him cry before.”  Which hurts my heart in so many ways. 

And can you imagine the stress (bio) mom is under?  She’s not pleased (holy understatement) with the department’s goal change.  Its been made clear to anyone who matters that she will be opposing and appealing and fighting as hard as she can.  As I’ve already said to some of you, I’m glad for that.  These children deserve to be fought for.

She seems to be holding it together well enough during visits, but Sprout can see though anyone, especially her.  He’s uncomfortable with the anger and with the feeling of impending change.  He’s starting to crack. 

I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of the bumps and bruises he’ll gather – the ones that may never heal.  I’m afraid that I don’t have the skills, knowledge, neutrality, grace or compassion to best guide him through this. 

Why did I think I was going to be good at this? 

I don’t think its possible to be good at this.