Here we go again

I’ve alluded to a new development, but haven’t elaborated much.  Perhaps in hoping that not validating it with my words would make it go away.  Well, it hasn’t gone away.

There may be a biological adoption resource for the children.  They love to use the word “resource.”  I can’t tell you how much I’ve heard it over these past few weeks.

She’s very far away and has never met the children. But, she shares their blood.  And culture.  And skin color.  I don’t deny the power those things hold.   

But there is also a power in the way that my voice instantly centers Sprout.  And the way my arms bring Rosebud home.  And my smell lulls Daisy to sleep.

In many ways this is harder than the reunification discussion.  There is something inherently right about children returning to the mother who created them and is now ready to parent them.  That’s what we were in this for. 

But of course, this was always also a possibility.  The fact is these are not my children – not yet.  maybe not ever.

For all the calm, quiet and happy days, there are dark and shaky ones.  For the laughter and fullness, there is gripping fear of the emptiness that may come.

But I’ve said it before and I”ll say it again – this is what we signed up for, the path we chose for ourselves.  There is no going back.  Just one foot in front of the other.

They are worth it.

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9 Responses to “Here we go again”

  1. this made me tear up. Hang in there – they are worth it. 🙂

  2. Your perspective is truly inspirational to witness. I only wish there could be some tangible reward for it; some insulation from the scary possibility you are faced with. I will continue to hope that whatever is best for those precious children takes place… and also to cling to my belief that would be staying put. 🙂

  3. I love what K said about that fear insulation. If only that’s something one could stock up on at Home Depot. I for one would buy you a pallet of it as a gift. Stay strong, mama.

  4. I do not believe that blood should take priority, never have. They are happy, healthy, settled and loved in your home. DNA won’t make their life any better than it is now.

    You know I hope above hope that everyone sees what we already do and they stay forever.

    The fear can be crushing some days but those little faces somehow help us go on and walk through the fire.

  5. Ditto the PP’s comments. Thinking of you guys and wishing the very best will come of this. You are two incredibly strong mamas…keep soaking up that love. Hang in there…

  6. God bless it. I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. This is the part of the system that sucks. Greatly.

    As you know, this is what happened to our sweet Cordelia. And I’m still reeling from that loss. But it is, as you said, what we signed up for.

    If it happens. And we will pray so fervently that it doesn’t, you won’t be alone. Blessings. Hugs. etc.

  7. Thinking about you. Hoping for the best. Selfishly, I want the best for your now family. I am so in awe of how you do this. Keep holding onto them.

  8. You and A continue to amaze me. I’m sitting her with tears in my eyes and anger in my heart. I just can’t comprehend it all.

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