Archive for March 25th, 2011

March 25, 2011

Here we go again

I’ve alluded to a new development, but haven’t elaborated much.  Perhaps in hoping that not validating it with my words would make it go away.  Well, it hasn’t gone away.

There may be a biological adoption resource for the children.  They love to use the word “resource.”  I can’t tell you how much I’ve heard it over these past few weeks.

She’s very far away and has never met the children. But, she shares their blood.  And culture.  And skin color.  I don’t deny the power those things hold.   

But there is also a power in the way that my voice instantly centers Sprout.  And the way my arms bring Rosebud home.  And my smell lulls Daisy to sleep.

In many ways this is harder than the reunification discussion.  There is something inherently right about children returning to the mother who created them and is now ready to parent them.  That’s what we were in this for. 

But of course, this was always also a possibility.  The fact is these are not my children – not yet.  maybe not ever.

For all the calm, quiet and happy days, there are dark and shaky ones.  For the laughter and fullness, there is gripping fear of the emptiness that may come.

But I’ve said it before and I”ll say it again – this is what we signed up for, the path we chose for ourselves.  There is no going back.  Just one foot in front of the other.

They are worth it.