Okay, I know that like top 10 strangest titles ever (I wonder how many google hits I’ll get from that one…), but really, hear me out.
I’m always cognizant of the fact that my hemming and hawing and whining and mourning about not being able to conceive despite having a houseful of children might make it seem as though I want a biological child more than an adopted/foster one. Or that it would complete me more, or make me happier. Or that I in some way prefer it. But all of that couldn’t be further from the truth. It really just comes down to having always wanted both. Our foster/adopt journey didn’t come out of our infertility, as it does for so many others. It was a separate and distinct dream from the one in which we were able to conceive. So no matter how full my bucket gets on the one side, the other remains empty.
Or at least that’s how it has been feeling, but I’m coming to a place where I’m thinking it might not feel that way forever.
It’s occured to me recently that I’ve been here before. Many years ago I came to a similar juncture in my life. It was when I found out I was gay*.
So 12 years ago I met and fell in love with A and was shocked. I mean really shocked. Some people say they knew from an early age that they were somehow different from most of their peers, but that wasn’t me. Not that I didn’t know being gay was an option – I had a handful of friends who identified as gay/bisexual – but I had no idea that I was. I simply assumed that I’d find a husband, get married, and live a “traditional” straight life. Well all of those assumptions and plans and dreams came crashing down around me when I met A and decided to pursue a relationship with her.
It was a such a confusing and bizarre time. On the one hand, I was falling in love. Butterflies and adrenaline and intoxicated by her mere presence. I was floating on air.
But then there was that other side. The terrifying side. The side of “this isn’t how it was supposed to be“. And “why me??”
You see where I’m going with this?
On the one hand I have the most amazing family ever. I’m so fulfilled by my children and am over the moon for each of them. But what about…? And why must I be chosen for the hard road again??
But that “other hand” is lessening more and more by the day, just like it did years ago. At this point, so many years later, I don’t feel any sense of loss at being gay. Quite the opposite, actually. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to me with a spouse that’s better than I ever could have dreamed. It was the harder road, but the right one.
And its okay that this is where I’m finding myself again.
* Feel free to substitute lesbian, bisexual, queer, or any of the LGBT terms you wish to describe me. Except, perhaps, transgendered – not that I’d take offense, but I’m pretty comfortable in my gender assignment. I’m just not big on lables…any one of those could apply to me depending on the day.