Archive for March 8th, 2011

March 8, 2011

Confession: I’ve been seeing someone

She’s quite a bit older.  Enjoys the outdoors.  Calming.  Easy to talk to.  Of course there are conflicting feelings about the whole thing, but I have to admit that she has been helping me through the rough patches. 

Oh geez, not like that! She’s a counselor people! It’s all on the up and up and A is fully supportive of my new relationship.

So I’ve been seeing a counselor since mid-February when the pain and grief became too much and I knew I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by shouldering it all myself.  She quickly came to the conclusion that I am in a state of mourning.  I’m mourning the loss of dreams, experiences, money, energy, time – and the baby that I always imagined I’d have. 

The pain lives just under the surface.  It continually surprises me that I’m “still” holding onto this grief, but I am.  I wish I didn’t, but I cry every day.  The distinct feeling of missing him/her is gripping and present.  I wonder what he would have looked like.  What it would have felt like to carry her in my womb or my arms.  I long for the opportunity to know and am so deeply sad that the chance may be lost forever.

The good news is that the counselor feels as though my state of mourning is natural and “normal” and nothing to be overly concerned about.  I just need to give myself time.  Easier said than done, but its nice to hear that I’m not going off the deep end entirely.

The thing that’s been keeping me going is my children.  Well duh, right?  But not just that – there is a specific scenario I’m clinging tightly to.  5, 10, 15, 20 years from now they will come to (hopefully) me with a problem.  They will encounter something really unfair.  A situation that makes no sense and feels like there is no way out of.  A struggle.  Something they work really hard for but still can’t quite seem to get. 

What will I say to them?  What will I teach them about how our family responds to opposition? What will I be able to share with them about the time that life seemed stacked against me and no matter what I tried, I just could not get the one thing I wanted so badly? 

What will my story be?