Archive for September 29th, 2010

September 29, 2010

So much more than a nickname

For the purpose of this post, let’s pretend Sprout’s name is Steven.  It’s not actually anything like Steven, but the name works well for this story…

When we first got the match, we were told that his name was Steven, but he liked to go by Steve.  So that’s what we called him the first few weeks until he was comfortable enough to be vocal and he told us he only wanted to be called Steven and he doesn’t like Steve.   Up until days ago this was his motto and he would quickly correct anyone who called him Steve.  It didn’t bother us in the slightest – if he wants to be called Steven, or Rhinosaurus, that’s fine by us.

Well, the tides must have shifted because on a random drive home from school, Sprout (Steven?) announced that “its okay if you call me Steve.  You can call me Steve and Stevie.” 

That’s big.  Stevie is a nickname reserved only for bio mom.  And the gift that this little boy just bestowed upon me swallowed my heart.  I had to pull the car over and look into his face.

“I realize how special that name is sweetie.  Thank you for trusting me with it.”

” I love you Mommy.”

“I love you too.”

“But I still miss her.”

“Of course you do baby.  I hold her in my heart too.”

I want to be elated by this gift, but there is no denying the sadness it accompanies.  The strange push and pull of two different worlds Sprout is forced to split himself between is wearing on him. 

Its maddening that he has a pain I can not fix.  A pain that my love will occasionally worsen.  It’s so hard to know what to say when there is no right thing to say.

For now I won’t be using the nickname – his mom needs no replacing and lines don’t need to be blurred any more than they already are, but I took his gift and tucked it close to my heart.