Regaining Sanity?

This BFN was hard – probably the hardest aside from our IVF cycle.  It’s not as though we were shocked it didn’t work (I didn’t have one single symptom), but along with the negative came a huge ticking clock.  A sense that we are racing against time.  What will it take? When will it happen? Will it ever happen?  I felt gripped with panic and an urgency to fix.this.now.  I can’t explain it, but all of a sudden I feel like our time is running short.

So within 24 hours we (mostly I) did the following:

– Refilled my clomid prescription (RE increased the dose for this cycle)

– Contacted a private domestic adoption agency to inquire about domestic adoption

– Contacted our licensing worker to inquire about getting our homestudy updated for 3 foster placements instead of 2

– Contacted A’s IVF nurse to get a protocol for IVF #2

– Got a referral for an acupuncturist specializing in fertility

Sound like a scramble?  Well, I promise it wasn’t quite as bad or as desperate as it looks on paper…I just had an urgent need to know all of my options and weigh them accordingly.   Plus, it felt better to be proactive than mopey and depressed. 

Here were the results of all the above inquiries:

1) Clomid: Well, there’s not much to say about that except pray for me…seriously.  Clomid and I don’t get along.  Lets hope the next 5 days go by very quickly and with minimal hot flashes, vomiting, and irritability.

2) Domestic Adoption:  Can’t do it while fostering – so that was an immediate roadblock.  However, with the adoption tax credit and my employer’s adoption credit, its significantly less expensive than IVF.  This may be a very real option in the future…

3) Updating Homestudy:  Still waiting a response. Why am I not surprised?

4) IVF #2:  Over the past few weeks, A’s been saying that she’s ready to get back in the saddle, errr stirrups, and is interested in trying acupuncture.  All that is fine by me, but I’m not sure if our bank account agrees.  So her new protocol would be follistim and menopur…for those who don’t speak IVF, that would be liquid gold + more liquid gold.  ugh.  So the next step is talking to the insurance company (though I’m fairly certain the infertility benefit is exhausted), and getting more info on the shared risk program.  All of that is very depressing.  Its going to be so hard for us to pull the trigger on spending that money again knowing that there is still no guarantee.

So I guess the plan is for me to try once more, then do IVF #2 – if necessary and financially feasible.  If we are going to do another IVF, it would have to be by the end of the year before our deductibles renew.  Even though the ER/ET and meds wouldn’t be covered either way, we do get a break on the check ups, ultrasounds and labs now that we’ve completed our deductible. 

We were talking to a friend last night who just couldn’t fathom the lengths we were going to, especially since we currently have 2 kids and “access” to more.  And I understand her feelings completely, but this isn’t just about the desire to have children – we also share a desire to experience a pregnancy.  To see a belly grow, go to ultrasounds, hear a heartbeat in the womb, to witness a baby’s first breath…we just aren’t at a point yet where we can let that dream go.

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8 Comments to “Regaining Sanity?”

  1. Fingers crossed! 🙂 good luck with all of the options. I did accupuncture for 3 of my cycles – and while it wasn’t an immediate fix for me – the relaxation/centering aspect of it was wonderful.

  2. I TOTALLY get it about the desire to be pregnant. Totally. Just wanted to let you know, and send you big hugs as you plot your next steps.

  3. I know that race against time feeling too well. It sounds like you’ve got some good irons in the fire. I hope something works for you really soon.

  4. good luck. See if your insurance has any acupuncture benefits. Mine has a reduced payment ($30/visit maybe?.

  5. While I am sorry this BFN was so hard, I am so thankful that you wrote this post.

    I have been having a “fix it now” week regarding my own fertility. I can’t tell you how reassuring it is to know someone else does the same frenzied research that I do, and explores every option possible, and finds solace in taking steps, even if the steps might lead to something different than what you dreamed. Our situations suck, but I have to believe our diligence will get us somewhere.

    I will keep you in my prayers.

  6. as I’m sure you know from reading my blog, I don’t get it for me, but I get it for you, so good luck! Blessings!

    You sound pretty positive and attitude can make the difference!

  7. Good luck! I understand the need to do something proactive and the effect it can have. All good thoughts to you!

  8. It doesn’t sound desperate, it sounds like you checked all of your options, a very wise thing to do. I so relate to wanting to expereince a pregnancy, see the lines, the belly grow etc. I get it and the desire to go to the ends of Earth to make it happen. Cheering my heart out for this cycle and for your family.

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