Now that we’ve outed ourselves and shared the fostering news with friends and family, we’ve been getting lots of excited and curious questions – which we welcome! Most we answer confidently without having to give much thought, but one of the toughest questions for me to answer is “How are you feeling?” I think the ask-ers expect responsesalong the lines of excited!, nervous!, happy!, ect but truthfully the two words that come to mind are: finally and guarded.
I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t the type of girl to dream about my wedding day, but I’ve closed my eyes and pictured my some-day nursery hundreds of times. I’ve heard in my head the songs I’ll sing to my child and the sweet whispers I’ll use to tuck him into bed. In my dreams I’ve kissed scraped knees and wiped tears. I’ve known forever in my heart that this is the job I’ve been put here for.
And not only have I wanted to be a mom, but I very specifically had dreams of being a foster mom….it was probably one of the first things I told Andrea about myself (I was an upfront, this is what you’re getting yourself into kind of a gal 😉 ). So the fact that we’re actually taking the steps towards becoming licensed and we’re sitting in classes all day on Saturdays and we’re refinishing dressers and buying formula – its all a big relief. Finally I am where I’ve always dreamed of being. I know that I am young and our process has taken a relatively short amount of time, but it still feels as though its been a long time in the making.
And then there is guarded – anyone who has had any experience with foster system knows this feeling well. Yes I am excited and happy and full of joyful expectations, but the unknowns and fears cast many shadows. I have prepared my heart and mind as best I’m able for the rocky road ahead and this means that excitement must always be tempered.
Of course I’m feeling a million other things as well…overwhelmed by the preparations that must be completed in 4 weeks, terrified at how children will change my marriage, thrilled by the thought of seeing my wife become a mother, insecure about my abilities to parent, excited to meet the child that I will love unconditionally, delighted by the support from our families and friends, scared by the economy and my future ability to support my family, thankful that I have the opportunity to walk this path and fulfill my dreams, headstrong and R.E.A.D.Y.
Needless to say, its a whirlwind of emotions and during this time, the simplest of questions just isn’t.